I want to be skinny
I am in a constant battle between food for fuel and food because it tastes so good.
I enjoy taste. I enjoy chewing. I love food.
I don't enjoy fat, unhealthy, or guilt for eating though.
I want to be healthy and be able to perform as a triathlete but when I look in the mirror, I want to be skinny and lean. Yeah, I want to be skinny. I'm not afraid to admit it. I don't want to be sick anorexic skinny, but I want to NEVER suck in; NEVER pinch fat; and not FEEL fat <--- I know, disillusioned.
Don't get me twisted, I'm okay with me. I'm okay with my body; my confidence is solid, and I'm happy with the weight I have taken off and maintained. But (secretly??) I look in the mirror and I still see that overweight girl looking back at me. I see my thick thighs and jelly doughnut surrounding my waist; my cheeks hang! My arms wave (ugh!).
I also realize I think I'm bigger than I actually am. Especially when I see small clothes and think they're gonna be too small and then they fit. Or I see a picture and (in certain ones) I think my face looks disgustingly too thin. The thought, "hmmm, I'm not as big as I think I am." crosses my mind often (which I remind friends too when they're all, "I'm so fat"!!). We ALL think we're bigger than we actually are. That's because we've grown up seeing the photoshopped super skinny models and famous people and such <--- who all probably ALSO feel bigger than they really are.
The thing about food is, the less (bad) you eat of it, the more you realize you don't need it. Take sugar for example or heavy carbs. When you eliminate them from your diet, you can feel it. You might get cranky, anxious even! But once your'e free of them, you not only feel great, but you stop craving them! I relate it to smoking cigarettes (did you know I did that for 14 years!?)... you keep smoking, you keep craving them, so you keep smoking them. ADDICTION. Once you quit <it's hard, a challenge, you're a slew of MOODS> but that craving slightens more and more until you don't want one anymore. And then not only do you not want one, but they're gross!
The more bad you eat, the more bad you want to eat, the more bad you'll eat. The bad though, it tastes good (sad face). That's the sugar and the salt and the grease and the processed and the chemicals. Ew, we totally eat chemicals!! We all know this, and we eat it anyway. We are addicted to it. Mmm, it tastes so good. I could smash a doughnut RIGHT NOW...
And so hence the struggle. I want to be healthy but I want to enjoy my food too!! I want to be skinny but I want to smash doughnuts and cake! So what do I do?! What do you do!?
I think first you have to be forgiving of yourself and accepting of yourself. We are all human. Cookies happen. A pinch of fat happens. Not giving into it all the time and eating our house down and lazy'ing around all glutenous is a good way to start. A cookie is not going to ruin your life. A package of cookies might. Especially over and over again. One fast food meal isn't going to make you fat. But daily fast food meals WILL. So, cut yourself some slack when it happens but then continue to fight for what you want. Don't complain about how fat you are while sitting in the midst of Lay's and dip, cookies and cake, or wine and cheese. Give yourself enough room to enjoy the food you love and challenge yourself to 1) working out daily 2) portion control 3) use food for fuel instead of fun yum.
I could go on and on and offer tons of healthy lifestyle tips and ways to be, but I think you get the point. Plus, this post was as much as a reminder to myself that it's okay to slip and slide on the 'I'm so fattttt!!' train as it is informative for you to know once again, you're not alone. We are addicted to bad food. We love sugar and salt and processed foods and chemicals. We use them to satisfy cravings, moods, anger, loneliness, happiness, and depression. We use food to socialize, fight boredom, dating, and as rewards. It's kind of time to take control of this relationship we have with food.
Let's end our addiction together.
Whole foods. Healthy foods. Natural foods. Food for FUEL. Are you in?