A Panic Attack
I debated posting this or not. I wrote it last night in the midst of a panic attack. It's pretty personal. It's a very scary part of my real world. Three years ago, these panic attacks were a weekly occurrence. Four years ago, daily. They were so bad that sometimes I couldn't leave my house. Therapy, Jake, triathlon, and Phil rescued me. This is not a dramatization, this was written during an actual panic attack:
What you are experiencing right now this very second is a full blown panic attack.
It doesn't get any more real than this right here.
You haven't had one of these in a while. I'm fucking freaking out. Jesus, why is this happening. Do I have a fever? Fuck, what if I have mono? I can forget training. I can barely run 2 miles. I'm going crazy. I thought I was done with all this shit. Relax. Breath. All bad things end. Keep writing...
What am I feeling? Freaked out. Trembling. Completely stricken by panic. Regret. PANIC. How do I describe panic? It's kind of like I feel like I'm going to die. But not really. Because I know I'm not going to. It's hard to describe. But the feeling is very overwhelming. Very over powering. It's like my realistic mind is coherent. I KNOW it's panic. I'm right here, I know what's reality. But the panic is strong it wants to take over all logic. I'm fighting it. Anything is possible at this point. I'm going to die. What did I drink? What did I eat? Someone poisoned me. This feeling is going to last forever. Life doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel real. I remember there was a word for that we discussed in therapy. This is the worst part of being crazy. I've been so good without these. I want to rip my face off. I want to just sleep. I don't feel real. Please God make this go away.
Stop letting these thoughts rule your reality Lisa. Focus. They are just feelings. Nothing caused them to happen. No one poisoned you. It was nothing you ate, drank, took, or did. This is all in your mind and you are stronger than this. This fear isn't real. Fuck. I feel trapped. Terror. Paranoia.
My heart is pounding. I'm shaking, sweating, palms cold and clammy, feeling extremely uncomfortable, anxious, nauseous. I feel like I'm going crazy. Very detached. I have to remind myself, you feel this way every time. It's just panic. It will pass. I attempt my breathing techniques. Relax...
Writing helps. When the panic attacks used to happen all the time, everyday, I'd play mindless distracting games on Facebook on my phone. Anything to bring my mind back to right here, right now. That was before anyone down here knew me. Wow, I really have come a long way. Relax...
Panic. Irrational behavior. Believing things are going to be a certain way. Or aren't. I feel crazy. Derealization. That's the word. It feels like you're not really in your body. Very trippy. So uncomfortable. It feels like I'll never reconnect. I'll wake up in the crazy house.
Rocking, shaking. Trying to reason with myself. Talk myself off the cliff.
Call Phil or my mom. Write. Jake. Jake is my calming factor. Petting him. Knowing he is real, a breathing creature that needs me. My Jakey. Breathe. Relax...
(spent a little time on the pot here. Physical symptoms of a panic attack include the bowels opening up. Tried to call mom and messaged a friend to help distract me)
I'm starting to feel calmer now. The panic attack is subsiding. Heart rate slowing. Now it's cold. Shivering cold. I can hopefully tuck under a blanket and calm myself into a restful sleep...
These things suck. And seem so unfair. I'm reminded again that they always end. I'm not crazy. I'm not dead. I always feel so stupid after. Like a big whiny baby. Shit is scary.
This is a very real, very scary part of a lot of people's lives. Please know, you can remap your brain and gain control of anxiety. There are many treatment options (I will never NEVER opt for meds). I practice cognitive behavioral therapy, breathing techniques, and simple distraction.
Also know, you can always shoot me a message or call me and I will talk you off your cliff.
All bad things will end.