Friday, February 27, 2015

I Am Not Fearless


"I wish I had your fearless spirit."
Whoa!! Wait a minute, hold up! I am a lot of things, do a lot of things, and I'm mostly crazy, a free spirit, YES. But I am FAR from fearless. In fact, you finding me fearless SCARES the shit out of me.

Let me tell you about my fears...
I spent about 3 months afraid to eat food because I thought someone was going to try to poison me <--- a really long, confusing, complicated piece of my life... And to be honest, I'm not entirely over that yet!
I'm terrified to take pills. It's not the swallowing/choking or anything like that. I'm afraid of the way they're going to make me FEEL.
In fact, I'm afraid of anything that makes me feel "weird". This includes a variety of things that I don't even know I'm afraid of until I'm in the situation.
Swimming, I've panicked in the middle of a lake dozens of times. I'm terrified of that feeling.
I'm afraid of anxiety and panic attacks. Have you ever had one? They are terrifying.
Alligators. Those fuckers take you to the bottom and drown you before chewing your body to pieces!
My house burning down.
Jake dying.
Jake being in my house while it's burning down.
My mom dying.
Not being good enough <--- I don't even know what for!?
Large crowds of people? I'm waiting to get shot.
Traffic? I'm waiting for an explosion.
Phil giving up on me.
Sometimes when I'm out running, I get scared that I'm going to get too far out and not be able to get back or run out of something or I don't even know! But it gives me FEAR.
Getting kidnapped.
Failing. At anything.
Getting fat and being unhealthy.
Losing my hair (just on my head, the body hair can GO!).
So as you can see,
I spend a better part of my day legitimately afraid of something.

The thing is, I don't let my fear hold me back anymore. While I was adjusting to separating from the Army and dealing with PTSD and anxiety I spent the better part of a year AT HOME. I was scared to leave! I don't EVER want to be that person again. Life sucked so bad. I was so unhappy. I refuse to be that person again. SO...
I feel the fear, and then I do it anyway.
I don't let fear control me.

My mom can tell you, I've stood before quite a few Ironman (and other triathlons), trembling, tears in my eyes, ready to quit OUT OF FEAR. And then I did it anyway. The airport, it scares the shit out me; I fly anyway. Driving across the country, do you realize how many things could go wrong!? I do it anyway. Letting down my guard, experiencing something new, tri'ing something different... IT'S SCARY - do it anyway!

So instead of FEARLESS, I'd like to say, nope, just BRAVE :)

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