The struggle is real.
Right from the top, the best way to describe the effects: ANGER. It's like my blood boils and I want to explode! It makes me want to hit you (fight) or leave immediately (flight).
It's Misophonia - the hatred of sound.
We joke about it (I've always loathed people chewing gum and whistling <--- those are my worst two triggers), but it's serious! And it's a legit medical condition...
It drives me even more crazy that the noise isn't bothering anyone else. I feel CRAZY! That makes the noise intensify more and more, until I literally want to jump out of my skin and hurt the source of the noise. Hurt YOU!
I don't MEAN to get so upset; I truly can't help it. It's like my inner Hulk bursts through and I want to kill kill KILL. I have yelled at people, left a situation, and even asked a stranger to spit out her gum while holding out my hand to her mouth. <--- true story. I know it seems extreme, but that's how serious this is! I used to ask (make) Phil eat his cereal outside. I can't tell you how many conversations (screaming matches) we've had over mouth/chewing/eating noises.
Yes ^ imagine fingernails down a chalk board. Makes you shiver, huh? You HATE that sound. But does is cause an actual fight or flight reflex? You just UGH and wait for it to be over. Same with people chomping or chewing with their mouth open. You may HATE that sound/visual but sufferers of misophonia experience a more intense reaction - sweating, muscle tension, and quickened heartbeat, ANXIETY over it. Extreme anger. "Patients have reported muscle contractions of shoulders, neck, whole arm, upper arm, only the left upper arm, legs (in many variations), toes, abdomen, chest, jaw, hands open, hands making a fist, face, squinting, gasping and more. Other patients reported internal reflexes including stomach constriction, nausea, intestine constriction, esophagus constriction, sexual arousal, urge to urinate, and unidentified movement sensations in the chest cavity." Yes, yes, YES!
So yeah, we joke, you joke, it's funny... Lisa is crazy, don't chew your gum with Lisa, but it's serious! It hurts me down to the depths of my soul, in my brain, through my blood - it HURTS! And relieving enough, I'm not crazy, it's a real disorder.
The point of this post, don't get mad at me when I yell at your or ask you to stop. It's not personal; I still love you! I know you're not TRYING to make me kill you, but I will. So stop.