Wednesday, June 27, 2018

I wish someone had told me ...

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My birthday is in 5 days. People aren't going to understand reading this, but sometimes I wish it would have been me. I mean, not really I guess, because I don't want to die. I don't want to be dead; don't misunderstand me. But he had so much more to live for.

The normal me wants to celebrate. I love birthdays. They're so important to me. Any of my Soldiers from war can tell you - we celebrated!! It might have been a DFAC plastic wrapped cupcake or muffin with a match on top - but we celebrated! It's life! It's another year CONQUERED! Another year you get to be whoever you want to be. But this year. This is my first year without you. My first year in 37 fucking years. Without you. It seems like it was a lot easier to celebrate life without death.

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Did you call to wish me a happy birthday last year? I don't think you did. You probably forgot. It's okay. There have been many forgotten celebrations between us. Would you have called me this year? 
Speaking of forgetting, I haven't heard from our dad. I think I disappeared when you died. I guess it's easier losing us both at once.

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I keep reading how "sibling grief" is different. Often disregarded, misunderstood, and rarely talked about. Especially when said siblings weren't super close or grew apart. But it always comes back to this - it's complicated. HA! Imagine that, something in my life that's "complicated". Those were the misunderstood details of my life that you never recognized. It all seemed so easy from your point of view. Easy. Spoiled. Whatever word you used at any given time. Oh how I wish we could have traded shoes for a period of time...maybe you'd be the one, now, feeling like it should have been you.
Ironic how jealousy switches gears sometimes.  

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I often hear how strong I am and I'm praised on how well I "keep it all together"... 
Truth is, I think I cry everyday. Maybe not for long... but I just mourn in solitude. I try to learn from my feelings, I fantasize about how things could have been or how I wanted them to be. 
I wonder if you're there. If you're happy. 

I collect random thoughts and I write you letters from my blog (not published). Maybe someday a book will be published "Dear Dead Brother - The Ramblings of a Sister Left Behind".

I came across, recently, a list of "things" that someone wrote that they wished they would have known in dealing with grief. It resonated with me and so I built my own. For myself, for the next grieving sister, I don't know. For the universe.
It needed out...

Number 1 - No matter how prepared I thought I was for your death, I was never fully prepared for the loss and the grief. We were begging you to let go and now I'd do anything for you to hold on. 
There's grief counseling for parents, spouse, and children. What about the siblings?
I feel shorted sometimes. I wish we would have talked this out a bit more. I'm lacking something, I don't know. 

2 - Being there for the end was both enlightening, beautiful and the most terrifying playback my mind has ever endured. It's on constant replay. So much so that I want a reenactment. That sounds morbid, but I don't mean it to. Have you ever had a song stuck so hard in your mind that you have to just listen to it? I think it feels kind of like that. But then I'm like, it can't happen. And it makes me cry. 

3. The pressure to move on. The lack of understanding. The discomfort of not knowing what to say.
The awkward silence.
People don't really know what to say.

4. People say stupid, hurtful things w/out even realizing it. 

5. There is no such thing as closure. But I sure wish you were closer. 

6. There are no actual stages of grief nor a timeline. It's a fucking mess. And it's so confusing. 

7. There will never be enough time. I will always want more. 
I just hope guilt is normal. I hope anger is normal. And I hope... I just hope.

8. Your death has made me question my life. Big time. 

9. “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.

10. I think I drink too much. For comfort.

11. There are a shit ton of events, holidays, milestones, whatever you want to call them that you, us, your life... there's a National Siblings Day. Did we even know that!?
And you know I feel other's shit too... your anniversary! Father's Day! Mother's Day! And we still have Christmas coming... your birthday... 

12. Triggers. Fucking triggers. How do I make a "rock on" symbol on my blog. It's everywhere. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes cry. And that purple lightning picture. I see it in music. 

13. Normal will never be normal. 
Tears come in waves. 
I can't talk about it (the waves) much... I don't know... how.

14. I feel selfish.
Grief is heavy. 
It's isolating. 
And sometimes, I can't breathe. 

15. I hurt thinking about how others are hurting. That doesn't even make sense rereading it. But I know what I mean. I'm burdened with grief and the grief that someone else might have; whether it's legit or not. 

16. I'm realizing that a "good day" doesn't mean I'm okay or over it. It's just a good moment.

17. Contrarily, a "bad day" doesn't mean I'm devastated or will never be okay. It's just a bad moment. 

18. Somedays, I feel Totally. Completely. Alone. 

19. And somedays, I freak out over nothing, for nothing, raging about nothing... and it isn't until I'm in complete meltdown that I realize, my brother is dead. And that's the root. 
And we're talking about ridiculous, meaningless, a driver pulled out in front of me type shit.

20. I hope this is making me a stronger version of myself. 
I hope I get used to it.

21. I have a different perspective of who's here for me. Who cares. 
And who said nothing. And doesn't.

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I kind of feel like this is an endless list, a work in progress.
I kind of feel like it's genius, should be a book. But also trash and should be deleted.
Mostly I feel like writing it all down got me through a bad moment (that, and a text from a friend that she got completely misplaced on a train HAA!!!!)...

But entirely, I miss you. And it's still so unfair. It's forever unfair. And...

22. That's okay. 

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