Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Jamie, Jake, and Tears all Weekend

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A really bad weekend is behind me but the pain lingers.

Jamie is having more cancer removed. We haven't been talking about it much, but guys, he's had cancer like 6 more times. It's breaking him. He's losing faith and strength. What do you do at this point? He's sick and tired all the time.

This time it's in his intestines and due to bleeding, it's been causing anemia. The surgery will finally relieve the illness and discomfort that's come with the anemia but guess what? If it's melanoma, the chemo pills aren't working. If it's not, new cancers are forming. Whoever got the better end of the stick, can we borrow it!?

The feels of him giving up twists my stomach. I can barely keep the grief swallowed.

This news came after petrifying news of our own. Luca found a lump on Jake. Coupled with fatigue, extremely odd behavior, and what I thought was just a touch of depression (or maybe age), I'm really worried. And by worried, I mean full blown panic mode. I can cry at the drop of a hat if you want. My baby.

Coincidentally we are prepping for a trip to the U.S. at the end of this week. Do I wait to get him checked? Get him checked now? No hesitation, checked now. His appointment is today at 6:30pm. They'll run some tests and say (SAY!!) they'll have news within 48 hours. I guess with that, if it's bad news, I schedule appointments in the U.S. and if it's good news, we travel with relief and schedule some appointments in the U.S. anyway (annuals, labs, standard check).

I can't even consider my life without Jake. I'm scared for myself.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst?
Consider all things, I'm really overflowing with ... what do I call it !? Fear? Anxiety? Angst.

The only thing keeping me together right now is planning a Thanksgiving Feast at my place on Friday. I know that sounds opposite of what others would consider glue. But the distraction of planning and the idea of being surrounded by good people... it's what I need.

Especially since the week to follow, I fear, will be hell week (depositions for the American Airlines case). Thinking about what happened and honestly, even the idea of the upcoming flights, instant anxiety. And if my pup is sick? Oh my God.
I'm hoping to get in with the VA while in the states and maybe I can once again attempt some anxiety meds. The thought of that though? More anxiety. Geesh!! Can a girl catch a mental health break!?

Thanks for listening Team, please do what you do for my brother, my pup, my family, my well-being.

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