Well friends, I did it again...
Rejection, devastating news, feelings of isolation, resentment, and even anger piled up and sent me down a spiral. I went skipping along destroying all relationships. Hurting those I love. And when I had nothing left (or at least that's how it felt), I decided I was done. Feeling shattered, all I could do was cry. For hours.
I wrote this:
I am fighting something so deep
I don't even know how to express it.
I can no longer promise you sunshine. The smiles are hidden away.
There's no light at the end of my tunnel. I've completely lost my way.
Clinging to Jake and to some hope that I can recover and find myself again I made it through the night. The next day was so painful. I painted on a smile and presented myself as your flawless strong leader. And I guess in moments that is true. But inside I was feeling so empty and defeated. I dragged myself through the day into a heap of exhaustion. Morning came again and I searched deep to be me.
I think we all have parts of us that we truly adore and admire and parts of us that we hate or wish we could change. I often say to my athletes, do it even when you don't want to. I think that's when we make the most beneficial personal changes. So with this in mind, I told myself, at your worst, seek your best. Coach showed up and gave me a little bit of strength. (I'm Coach... she's one of those parts of me I admire). And then athletes showed up, friends. There's something really cool about being out on a bicycle for a long time ~ we think, we talk, we solve world problems. And there are 3 really amazing people that let me do that.
"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations."
It's been a few days now. I'm slowly making revelations about myself again. Revelations about people in my life. I'm cleaning out the closet, accepting changes, letting go of expectations. I think it's true that at your worst, you realize who's there for you. And often it's not who you expect. I'm discovering the awful truth that most of my pain is self inflicted. <-- that's going a bit too deep for today, maybe next time. And I've also discovered that when I think I'm in the clear, depression, PTSD, and anxiety kick me in the face *eye roll*
"Let it all go. See what stays."
BUT!, I wipe my tears. I stand up tall (fix my crown), I don't want to be broken.
I believe in forgiveness.
"We were born to be real. Not to be perfect."
I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of my heart hurting; feeling bruised and shattered. I'm tired of feeling lost, isolated, and rejected. I have already fought these battles ~ I was happy! I was at peace! I was ME! I'm taking it all back.
In times of sadness, I will seek love.
In times of anger, I will seek kindness.
In times of despair, I will seek strength.
All within. Until I am whole again. I promise.