If You Never Tri, You'll Never Know!

The Great Cancer Escape

It's not a secret that I'm in Ohio but the reason behind it has been quiet.

Many have assumed and unfortunately, you are not wrong. A couple of weeks ago Jamie (my brother) got some grim news. The cancer has returned and it's uglier than ever. His liver is consumed by cancer and there are tumors in his stomach and lymph nodes. This time the cancer is inoperable and there aren't many options left. Chemo pills are no longer keeping the cancer at bay and instead are making him extremely sick.

The initial reaction from the doctors left us with little time so we rushed to Ohio.
His numbers were through the roof, he's throwing up anything that goes in, anemia, fatigue, and pain consume him. In the 10 days I've been here, I've watched him go from full speed ahead to practically bed ridden. 10 days.

Fortunately, last week doctors reconsidered options and decided immunotherapy IS an option and he started YESTERDAY. He had one 60 and 90 minute treatment. He will receive 4 sessions in total. The hope is to improve his immune system while defeating the tumors.

While the reality of this fucked up disease settles in, we can all have hope and faith that this treatment is successful and provides Jamie extra time and a better quality of life.

Thank you for your continued support, concern, love, and prayers.

So how is everyone doing? I mean, how can we be? It sucks. It sucks to be Jamie, to be so uncomfortable and in a roller coaster with death looming and hope for treatment. He's 42. He has kids, a wife... there's so much life to live yet he can barely leave the house. How does it feel to want to get 85 things done at once but unable to do even 1?

My mom is my mom. She's never been a very emotional woman; she keeps her shit together, our shit together, and is currently working on the world's shit too. She's a realist. She's pragmatic and making plans. She lost her brother at a young age. It's unfair to take her son too.
My dad is kind of a mess. He thinks Jamie is going to walk into the hospital one day and the cancer is going to be miraculously gone. Talk about denial. I mean, can it happen? Sure. Jamie's cancer is aggressive though and really likes hanging out.

April (Jamie's wife) lost her mom to cancer not so long ago. She watched her suffer and fought this pain already. I won't open her emotions publicly, but she feels the same as we all do, it sucks. It's unfair. And we don't want to see Jamie suffer.

I'm just here. I kinda don't know what to say or what to do. Seems a bit like anything I do say or do is the wrong thing said or done. I want to be positive and uplifting. But it's not well received. I want to help make plans and get things done but it's regarded as pushy and overbearing. So I don't know.
I know that I miss Luca and I miss being home. But I also know this is time I won't get back with family.

I'm tired of talking about it though. I'm tired of hearing about it. I have a hard time understanding why we're dwelling on it and not LIVING instead. Every conversation, every thought and moment, it's all consumed with cancer. I feel like if we, Jamie, everyone!!! could just take cancer out of the equation for a few minutes, life can be enjoyed as it is.

The Great Cancer Escape

Maybe I'm the one in denial. But I believe in the power of positivity. Cancer can destroy your body but it doesn't have to destroy your soul, your thoughts, your heart. What's that quote, you can't direct the wind, but you can adjust the sails? Seems like a valid point during this time. Seems like now is a good time to say FUCK IT, I'm going to live. And do all things. Spend all time. Live without fear. Cancer doesn't have to mean life is over even in the face of death.

But I'm not the one faced with it either. So I just don't know. And here I am.