...I've had to live a month without you

It's not fair that I've had to live a month without you. I'm only surviving, Jake. I'm not dying, but I'm not thriving. I miss you so much. I'm so sorry that I had to let you go. I'm so sorry that you're gone. I cry every day missing you.

It's not right that I've had to live a month without you. The house is too quiet. Your collar still hangs, I can't just put you away. Your bed next to me, I'm desperate to feel close to you again. My heart aches in ways I never thought possible. You were supposed to be here longer. We were supposed to have more time.

It's not natural that I've had to live a month without you. My routines are hollow. No morning stretches, no eager eyes watching me, no familiar weight curled up beside me. I still find myself saying "here I am!" I listen for your breathe, the little sounds that made up my world. But all I hear is silence.

It's not okay that I've had to live a month without you. People say time heals, but they don’t understand that I don’t want to heal. I don’t want to forget the pain because the pain means you were real. You mattered. You were my world, Jake. And now my world feels so empty. I would give anything—anything—to hold you again, to kiss your head, to whisper that I love you and hear you sigh in response. But I can’t. And that reality is unbearable.

It's not enough that I've had to live a month without you. Because a month will turn into two, then three, then a year. And the world will expect me to move on. But I don't want to move on. I want you back. I want you here. I want to believe that somewhere, somehow, you are still with me. That you still hear me when I talk to you. That you still feel my love, just as I still feel yours. Because love like this doesn't just disappear. It can't.

It's not goodbye that I've had to live a month without you. Because I refuse to say goodbye. You are woven into every part of me, into every memory, every tear, every laugh we shared. You are love, pure and unconditional. And that love will never leave me. One day, maybe the weight of this grief will lighten. But until then, I will carry you in my heart, always.

I miss you, Jake Jake. I always will.