I Miss Who I Used to Be

There was a time when you couldn’t catch me unless you had a bike, a pair of running shoes, or a swim cap on. I was fast and bursting with energy. I was doing several Ironman races a year, always in motion, always chasing the next adventure. You could find me out training at the crack of dawn, my schedule filled with swims, long runs, and bike rides that would make most people need a nap just thinking about them. I was an adventure superstar, and I loved every minute of it.

But that was then. And now…well, now is a bit different.

It hasn’t been easy coming to terms with the fact that I’m not the same person I used to be. For a while, I fought it. I tried to keep up with my old routines, pushing my body to do what it used to do without any complaints. But reality has a funny way of catching up with you—especially when you’re in the middle of a run and your body suddenly reminds you that it's not 25, hell, 35! anymore.

I'm 20+ pounds heavier, my muscles are weaker, my energy is lower, I'm facing perimenopause and all the fun symptoms that come with!, and my environment is so much more difficult. It's honestly hard to look at my medals or think back to my race stats. I did FOUR Ironman that year. I raced the WORLD championship in Kona! 

Sometimes it feels like a slap in the face. Like, who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? I used to be confident, excited, unstoppable! and now I’m navigating age. Trying to figure out how to embrace this new version of myself without doubt and hatred. Where did that fierce, powerful woman go!? She must be here behind the gray hairs and wrinkles, right? Can I get her back!?

There are days when I feel like a fraud, who do you think you are trying to be an athlete!? Coaching others!? And I pretend to be okay with this slower pace, with these extra pounds, and with the changes that have taken over my body and my life. But am I? How can I be? It’s strange and unsettling, trying to reconcile the adventurous, high-energy woman I was with the person I am now.

I know the reality of course. The people in my life with positive reminders: who I am now is just as valid, just as important, as who I used to be. Sure, I’m not doing Ironman races every few months anymore, but I’m still out there, still moving, still enjoying life. It just looks a little different these days. And that’s okay.
But it's still hard.

I miss the old me. I miss the speed, the stamina, the ability to do insane workouts without needing an ice bath and 2 days of rest afterward. I miss eating what I want, wearing what I want, feeling free, adventurous, wild... Sigh.
I have to appreciate the new me too. The one who looks a bit different, trains a bit different, feels a bit different... The one who understands that it’s okay to rest, to take care of my body in different ways, and to let go of the pressure to always be “on.”

Anyway... here’s to us—the women who used to be unstoppable forces of nature, and who still are, just in different ways. We may not be the same as we were, but we’re still pretty damn amazing. We’re stronger than we think, even if our muscles don’t always agree. We’re wiser, even if we sometimes forget where we put our phone. And we’re still full of life, even if our energy levels have a few more dips than they used to.

Let’s try to embrace who we are now, with all the quirks, changes, and challenges that come with it. Let’s celebrate the fact that we’ve come this far, and that we’re still going strong—even if “strong” sometimes means surviving a particularly tough day of adulting with a glass of wine and a good book.

I miss who I used to be. But I’m also learning to love who I am now - or at least be okay with her.